Where Have I Been?

Well, ciao. How has everyone been? Behaving well, I hope?

I'm not dead, I'm not being held prisoner in someone's basement. No, in fact, I'm quite well. I see that my last entry here was basically regarding my first encounter with Steph. I'm happy to report that things between she and I have been very good since. I have no complaints.

We've purchased a house for the two of us, and she was able to get out of her horrid job. Things have been wonderful.

Recently, we took a trip to the Italian Alps. She's always wanted to go, being an avid skier. So, I took her there and gave skiing a try for myself. Even with professional instruction, I must admit that I'm not very good at all.

Furthermore, we did have a small commitment ceremony for the two of us while there. Now, it's not a legal marriage, but it was more for us than any legal reason. We have had wills drafted, though, naming one another our beneficiaries and in charge of one another's medical decisions, should, God forbid, something happen to either of us.

...that's really all there is to tell at the moment. I'll put up anything else I think of.

I'm Not Afraid For Once In My Life

I am who I am and what I am. I've spent the last 30 years of my life hiding. Hiding everything about myself, opening up the truth to only a handful of people.

Today, though, I realized... I don't care anymore. I'm happy with what I have. I can honestly say that for the first time. This is not sarcasm, it is the truth. The reason is presently sleeping, resting against my left shoulder.

I'm not saying that I've never felt loved before. I know I have been. I know Kristen does. I know that in their twisted and sick way Kevin and Sydney do. Cori does as a friend .

However, no one has ever really been MINE before. I've never felt like I have since I met Stephanie not only in person, but from the very outset online. Unconditional, two way, absolute acceptance with a person who I can have fully and freely as my own.

My life stagnated for years. Really, I haven't done much with myself since high school. I sat, too afraid to change what I'd come to know. I hid. When I did connect with another, it was always with someone who was only out to get something from me in some way. Drama. Bullshit.

I came to some sort of catharsis about my life after my last heartbreak. Some sort of fog cleared and lifted.

And in the clear was Stephanie.

She was a complete departure from anything I had ever really known. Her entire goal wasn't to try and garner sympathy from everyone around her as some sort of sustenance. No, her goal was to just care about me without any attempt to get credit for it. She was just...there. Then, that became love. Not infatuation or curiosity or any such other thing that in the past I tried to call the "L" word. It was something else entirely.

Furthermore, Stephanie is the first to ever pass what I shall simply call the Sipesh test. There are two parts to the Sipesh test. One has to do with Kristen's stamp of approval. The second half of it is to get me to finally fledge the nest as it were, feeling that I can finally face things without needing to cling to my dearest Kristen's hand, as it were.

Cori, I don't know if you remember the time we spoke and I said that bit about Joseph and Kristen and how he haunted her mind until she met Rich? And that I felt that way about Kristen and was just waiting for the one to come along that I knew I could stand to be apart from Kristen with?

I found her.

I called my work today. I told them in no uncertain terms that I was quitting. I've worked private security for ages. I've been hurt on the job a few times and I know that I'm not really the sort of physical specimen that should be doing that. But...I never really cared. I didn't feel that I much had anything to live for.

I do now.

I've also followed my best friend from our hometown to where we now reside, thinking that I couldn't ever be away from her. I have already begun packing my belongings in my apartment to ship to Maine. To Stephanie's. I have informed my roommate that I will only be there for a few more weeks, though I will help him with the rent until he finds another roommate. Although, it looks like his girlfriend might move in so...that works out. I'm finally moving away from my security blanket.

I've finally weaned myself from it.

And, I never told Stephanie of my financial situation. She never had any idea of the money I inherited. Therefore, I knew that getting anything other than just me out of this relationship was never something on her mind.

Stephanie, I have a little over $750,000 to my name. Thank God for trust funds. If we play our cards right, you will never have to work because you need to again. You will be able to work because and if you want to. Since I know you hate your present job but have kept at it simply to make ends meet...well, you can finally tell that verbally abusive ass that is your so-called boss to stick it where the sun dare not shine.

So...there we are. That's where we're at. I will bid you all goodnight.

France Hates Me!

So... I had a bit of spare time today and I checked where my hits were coming from, as few and far between as they are. I found one site that had my blog listed, saying "Warn this blogger of objectionable content".

That site is French. Ah, I see. The ever-so progressive French have an issue with my freedom of speech? God forbid I have sexual content on this... Mind you, France is about as sex crazed a culture as you can get outside of Amsterdam. That...says so much. Once again, thank you for showing me that your country is, still, full of hypocrites. I'm sure, however, that if my site was an Anti-American crying militant Muslim site, that they would be touting this blog as courageous. Hell, I'd probably be served up some humanitarian award!

Well, even bad publicity is publicity. Maybe I'll get up to...four hits a day now.

God bless America!

This Will Be...Dirty, But I Must...

Beloved Stephanie, after being up for nearly two days straight, is sleeping at the moment. So, I will take this time to recount the events of last night...or rather, early this morning as...it was a life altering event. In light of what I'm about to write, I'm blacking it out so that it isn't just tossed out there in anyone's face. If you want to read it, I'm sure you are clever enough to figure out how to see it.
Thanks-
V.V.

I left the house close to three in the morning, to head to the local airport. My long distance girlfriend was finally coming to visit. She'd called me from Los Angeles to tell me she was boarding her connecting flight here, so I knew all was well.

Living in a small town as I do, the airport is not that spectacular. The only things landing besides private airplanes are those twin prop type commuters. So, the waiting area is just one relatively small room with the baggage claim deal right in it. They get off the plane on one of those stair ramps and then walk on the tarmac and up to the sliding glass doors to enter the terminal.

I saw her plane land. It was the only one slated to come in at that time. It touched down, taxied in, and stopped. Engines were shut down, the door opened, and then the passengers began to exit.

The third person off of the plane instantly brought a smile. It may have been dark, three thirty two, roughly, in the morning, two hours before sunrise, but I recognized her none the less.

"Stephanie..." I said to myself, hands against the glass, watching her approach. There was no one around to hear had I opted to scream her name out but...such is not my way.

She entered the terminal, he eyes instantly landing upon me. Freezing in place, the other few passengers on the plan brushed by her. I'm not sure how long we just stood there, mutually excited and yet afraid, but it probably wasn't more than a few seconds.

Breaking the barrier between us, a blush came to her face and she walked, and then ran to me. With all the force that her slight 125 pound form could muster, she collided with me, her arms instantly around my back and to my slight surprise, her lips immediately against mine.

Now, I've never been one much for public displays but...this was the first time we'd seen one another in the flesh since we started...talking some time ago. I did nothing to break the kiss at all, in fact, I was the first to part their lips to it, deciding to make the most of the moment.

By the time we pulled back, the other passengers had grabbed their bags and were gone. I guess...we had lost all concept of time, her lone suitcase the only item remaining on the conveyor.

"H...hi..." I stammered out, serching her hazel eyes, noticing the blush upon her face.

"Vince..." she whispered back, her eyes locked with mine. "I love you..."

Here she was. She knew everything about me but only looked into my eyes. She didn't look at me like most people do... She wasn't staring at me because I was some sort of novel freak to her...she was just looking into me because, for some reason, she loves me.

"God only knows how much I love you, too..." I said back, almost feeling tears in my eyes. So much for being a man.

She offered me a smile at that, her blush noticably darkening. Her eyes momentarily turned over to where her suitcase waited and I took the signal, letting my arms fall from around her, but taking up her hand, bringing her along.

With her belongings in my possession, I led her from the small terminal and out into the cool, coastal night air. The free parking for the airport isn't terribly far and we walked toward my Expedition, sitting amidst the sea of smaller imports.

The night was clear and the moon was out. I'm not sure if it was full, but it was close. I didn't really care. I made the entire walk to the car almost walking sideways, intent on not taking my eyes off of her, for fear, somehow, that she would vanish. I asked how her trip had been, and she told me that it had been uneventful. For that, I was glad. Travelling always makes me nervous, although I know it doesn't have the same affect on all people.

Once at the car, I hit the lock release on the remote and opened up the back, tossing her suitcase in behind the back seat. I went over to the passenger side and opened her door, helping her in before going around to my side of the car and stepping up into the driver's seat. I instinctively locked the doors and slipped the keys into the ignition, but before I started the car, she reached over and grabbed my right hand, pulling it to her.

"Vince..." she said, her face serious and yet smiling.

I looked at her, awaiting her continuation, but she undid her seatbelt and leaned over the center console of the truck, once more offering me a kiss.

Cori...you were right. She didn't give me a chance to make it out of the parking lot before things got...interesting.

With the parking lot abandoned due to the hour and the windows of the Expedition tinted anyway, the feeling within it in the center seat is fairly secure. Either that or we simply didn't care. Six of one...

In any event, one thing lead to another. It is here that I will make my public admital to my particular situation for those who haven't caught on thus far. While most closely a male, (I do have a rudimentry prostate in my body), my external phyique at birth was neither clearly defined as male or female and, as was the trend back in that time, I was simply surgically made to appear female. Later in life, and knowing what was wrong with me as my brain always insisted that I was a male, I sought surgical augmentation to make me externally male once more. However, what they were able to give me, while suitable for...relations... has never been capable of feeling. Leaving me without the ability to have...resolution to my desires, except for when I have a dream about a physical encounter... Then, without a need for physical stimulus, I can actually...well...climax. Now that I've grossed out half of the audience who were just hoping for simple sex, I'll continue.

Relieved of most of what we had been wearing, I pressed down upon her, looking into her burning eyes, giving into the moment. I didn't think much of it, just loving her reaction and watching her. That's what sex always amounted to for me. Watching my partner, taking whatever comfort in any reactions they had to what I did since I couldn't feel...

After that initial drive in...I withdrew slowly and almost completely, hesitating a moment before moving again.

As I did so, the coolness of the interior of the car... I can't imagine what my expression may have been at that moment, but...

I felt that it was cold. I HONESTLY could FEEL the air cooling me!

With that, I thrust in again, now realizing that I could again feel. This time, noticing the sudden heat that enveloped me. Now, I'm not saying that I felt everything. I didn't. There was no sensation of pressure or friction, just temperature.

But that was one more thing than I have ever felt with that part of my anatomy since its reconstruction some years ago.

Looking up at me, she instantly donned an expression of concern, placing a hand against my face. "Vince? Are you okay?"

Again, I'm sure I looked...confused or perhaps elated. "Steph...I...I can feel...your...warmth..."

She gazed back, well aware that I had never experienced anything like this. "Are you...serious?"

I'm not going to lie at this moment. I will confess that tears literally came to my eyes. Somehow, despite all the time that had passed since my surgery, something had still managed to...connect in some way. For the first time in my life, I was feeling an actual sensation from my union with another in this way. I met her mouth with mine and began to move slowly, continually retreating fully before invading again, so that I could enjoy this ability to tell the difference between uniting and parting with her. Somehow I feared it was a fluke and not something that I would ever feel again.

She purred in satisfaction beneath me, her hands tracing my back, then gripping my hips to instruct me in her preference in force and rate.

The sky to the East was starting to brighten when she finally screamed out to me in her satisfaction. I moved away slowly and again, let the air chill my skin, unsure if this was going to be something that would happen again or not.

We dressed and made the drive back to my apartment in relative silence. She held my hand, gazing at me during the drive. We didn't need words. Words have been all we've had since we met. Now, we were together and could just enjoy the simple presence of one another without being engulfed in constant information exchange.

We already know everything of one another.

With my first encounter with Stephanie being the first in which I have EVER felt anything like I did, I almost feel like it was my first time. Maybe...maybe I wasn't meant to feel anything with anyone else. I'm almost glad, now, that I never felt anything physically before. I was...saved for someone who I love, and who loves me.

I am glad to report that it wasn't a fluke, either. I can truely sense warmth versus cold now. I'm overwhelmed. Stephanie...

CLEAN

So, Vinny...what's up?

I'm free...clean...completely rid of what was once...dragging me down. Yes, the shebitch that was once the bane of my existance has been completely removed from my life in all her various forms. Hell, I even deleted her phone number from my cell today.

THAT felt GOOD.

Things with Stephanie? Still good. Still very good. VERY good.

This update is primarily for Cori's benefit since again, she's the only one that reads this drivel.

Mmmmmhhhmmmm.....

Where's Vince?

Some of you may have noticed, all right, the one person that reads this has, anyway, that I'm not around much these days. The reason? I have a real life more or less now. Yes, I do.

Name? Stephanie. *snerk*

Sooooo..... I'm doing well...better than before. Hauled myself out of my angst by the proverbial bootstraps and moved on with things. Then I met Stephanie. That has kept me occupied.

The funny thing is? The one that abandoned me before now complains that I'm not avalible to her. She ditched me for weeks, nay, months on end and I was supposed to wait idley by. When I decided not to do so anymore, though, the tables are turned. Suddenly, she is 'available' to talk to me and what not. Leaves me messages again, comments, all that good stuff.

But the thing is.... I just don't care anymore.

And sorry for mispelling availible. I can't get that word right to save my life so I don't even try these days.

Oh, I Have A Blog...That's Right...

*Ahem* Seems I completely forgot about this. Go figure. Reason being?

A female.

Yes, that's right, I've somehow managed to grab the attention of a female. She seems...remarakbly normal...stable...affectionate...

Am I happy with this? You could say that. In fact, there are those that have seemingly noticed that I've not been around moping. I've been....busy with the lady.

So...that's the news in my life. Am I going for surgery next month? I don't know. Perhaps, perhaps not.

In any event, things are looking...up.

And So It Was Made Clear

There was a blog post by the 'girlfriend'. It droned on and on about how happy she is these days now that she's working. Good for her, but...I can't help but think that throughout that blog that she was really saying, "I'm happier than I've ever been, and in fact, things are so great, that I don't fucking care that I've ditched Vincent for weeks now! Yay me!"

I had the 'nerve' to post after that blog that I couldn't even describe how I was feeling after reading it.

That earned me a snarky clip back from her that she thinks I'm a huge fucker for being mad that she's happy now.

Uh, no, bitch, I'm unhappy because you've made it clear that you are happy and not having anything to do with me. I've been brushed off, forgotten. I couldn't be a part of her life while she was 'happy', no, God forbid. I was part of the problem.

I tried to say something in response to that, but A) I wasn't logged onto MySpace on my account (heads will roll for others not logging out) and B)She's telling me to fuck off in her own cowardice, underhanded way.

Dually noted. Sorry I ever fucking cared and that I dared to be unwell with being abandoned. I should have sat around, happily awaiting the day when you would return. How dare I dislike being ignored. How dare I like seeing bitch slap after bitch slap against me when you always have time to take fucking quizzes and surveys on MySpace, but never have the 'time' to message me. How dare I dislike seeing little barbs in those quizzes like this:

Top 5 Things you can't live without:
Internet
Nine (her girlfriend)
Her car
Friends
Xanax.

Wow, thanks, Ris. Good to know I rank below an automobile and your unprescribed drugs that you've put yourself on. For that matter, what a bitch YOU are for not even putting your poor husband on that list. I mean, I guess it's one thing for your little side fuck to not make the grade, but if I were James... Well, obviously, I'm not James.

I was up all night last night. I managed a few hours of sleep starting around five A.M., but only by virtue of the fact that I hit the Darvocet again. No worries, I tailored down my dose, but I HAD to sleep.

I had to.