The Misfiring Mind

Where Have I Been?

2007-03-28T02:02:00.000-07:00

Well, ciao. How has everyone been? Behaving well, I hope?

I'm not dead, I'm not being held prisoner in someone's basement. No, in fact, I'm quite well. I see that my last entry here was basically regarding my first encounter with Steph. I'm happy to report that things between she and I have been very good since. I have no complaints.

We've purchased a house for the two of us, and she was able to get out of her horrid job. Things have been wonderful.

Recently, we took a trip to the Italian Alps. She's always wanted to go, being an avid skier. So, I took her there and gave skiing a try for myself. Even with professional instruction, I must admit that I'm not very good at all.

Furthermore, we did have a small commitment ceremony for the two of us while there. Now, it's not a legal marriage, but it was more for us than any legal reason. We have had wills drafted, though, naming one another our beneficiaries and in charge of one another's medical decisions, should, God forbid, something happen to either of us.

...that's really all there is to tell at the moment. I'll put up anything else I think of.

I'm Not Afraid For Once In My Life

2006-06-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

I am who I am and what I am. I've spent the last 30 years of my life hiding. Hiding everything about myself, opening up the truth to only a handful of people.

Today, though, I realized... I don't care anymore. I'm happy with what I have. I can honestly say that for the first time. This is not sarcasm, it is the truth. The reason is presently sleeping, resting against my left shoulder.

I'm not saying that I've never felt loved before. I know I have been. I know Kristen does. I know that in their twisted and sick way Kevin and Sydney do. Cori does as a friend .

However, no one has ever really been MINE before. I've never felt like I have since I met Stephanie not only in person, but from the very outset online. Unconditional, two way, absolute acceptance with a person who I can have fully and freely as my own.

My life stagnated for years. Really, I haven't done much with myself since high school. I sat, too afraid to change what I'd come to know. I hid. When I did connect with another, it was always with someone who was only out to get something from me in some way. Drama. Bullshit.

I came to some sort of catharsis about my life after my last heartbreak. Some sort of fog cleared and lifted.

And in the clear was Stephanie.

She was a complete departure from anything I had ever really known. Her entire goal wasn't to try and garner sympathy from everyone around her as some sort of sustenance. No, her goal was to just care about me without any attempt to get credit for it. She was just...there. Then, that became love. Not infatuation or curiosity or any such other thing that in the past I tried to call the "L" word. It was something else entirely.

Furthermore, Stephanie is the first to ever pass what I shall simply call the Sipesh test. There are two parts to the Sipesh test. One has to do with Kristen's stamp of approval. The second half of it is to get me to finally fledge the nest as it were, feeling that I can finally face things without needing to cling to my dearest Kristen's hand, as it were.

Cori, I don't know if you remember the time we spoke and I said that bit about Joseph and Kristen and how he haunted her mind until she met Rich? And that I felt that way about Kristen and was just waiting for the one to come along that I knew I could stand to be apart from Kristen with?

I found her.

I called my work today. I told them in no uncertain terms that I was quitting. I've worked private security for ages. I've been hurt on the job a few times and I know that I'm not really the sort of physical specimen that should be doing that. But...I never really cared. I didn't feel that I much had anything to live for.

I do now.

I've also followed my best friend from our hometown to where we now reside, thinking that I couldn't ever be away from her. I have already begun packing my belongings in my apartment to ship to Maine. To Stephanie's. I have informed my roommate that I will only be there for a few more weeks, though I will help him with the rent until he finds another roommate. Although, it looks like his girlfriend might move in so...that works out. I'm finally moving away from my security blanket.

I've finally weaned myself from it.

And, I never told Stephanie of my financial situation. She never had any idea of the money I inherited. Therefore, I knew that getting anything other than just me out of this relationship was never something on her mind.

Stephanie, I have a little over $750,000 to my name. Thank God for trust funds. If we play our cards right, you will never have to work because you need to again. You will be able to work because and if you want to. Since I know you hate your present job but have kept at it simply to make ends meet...well, you can finally tell that verbally abusive ass that is your so-called boss to stick it where the sun dare not shine.

So...there we are. That's where we're at. I will bid you all goodnight.

France Hates Me!

2006-06-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

So... I had a bit of spare time today and I checked where my hits were coming from, as few and far between as they are. I found one site that had my blog listed, saying "Warn this blogger of objectionable content".

That site is French. Ah, I see. The ever-so progressive French have an issue with my freedom of speech? God forbid I have sexual content on this... Mind you, France is about as sex crazed a culture as you can get outside of Amsterdam. That...says so much. Once again, thank you for showing me that your country is, still, full of hypocrites. I'm sure, however, that if my site was an Anti-American crying militant Muslim site, that they would be touting this blog as courageous. Hell, I'd probably be served up some humanitarian award!

Well, even bad publicity is publicity. Maybe I'll get up to...four hits a day now.

God bless America!

This Will Be...Dirty, But I Must...

2006-06-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

Beloved Stephanie, after being up for nearly two days straight, is sleeping at the moment. So, I will take this time to recount the events of last night...or rather, early this morning as...it was a life altering event. In light of what I'm about to write, I'm blacking it out so that it isn't just tossed out there in anyone's face. If you want to read it, I'm sure you are clever enough to figure out how to see it.
Thanks-
V.V.

I left the house close to three in the morning, to head to the local airport. My long distance girlfriend was finally coming to visit. She'd called me from Los Angeles to tell me she was boarding her connecting flight here, so I knew all was well.

Living in a small town as I do, the airport is not that spectacular. The only things landing besides private airplanes are those twin prop type commuters. So, the waiting area is just one relatively small room with the baggage claim deal right in it. They get off the plane on one of those stair ramps and then walk on the tarmac and up to the sliding glass doors to enter the terminal.

I saw her plane land. It was the only one slated to come in at that time. It touched down, taxied in, and stopped. Engines were shut down, the door opened, and then the passengers began to exit.

The third person off of the plane instantly brought a smile. It may have been dark, three thirty two, roughly, in the morning, two hours before sunrise, but I recognized her none the less.

"Stephanie..." I said to myself, hands against the glass, watching her approach. There was no one around to hear had I opted to scream her name out but...such is not my way.

She entered the terminal, he eyes instantly landing upon me. Freezing in place, the other few passengers on the plan brushed by her. I'm not sure how long we just stood there, mutually excited and yet afraid, but it probably wasn't more than a few seconds.

Breaking the barrier between us, a blush came to her face and she walked, and then ran to me. With all the force that her slight 125 pound form could muster, she collided with me, her arms instantly around my back and to my slight surprise, her lips immediately against mine.

Now, I've never been one much for public displays but...this was the first time we'd seen one another in the flesh since we started...talking some time ago. I did nothing to break the kiss at all, in fact, I was the first to part their lips to it, deciding to make the most of the moment.

By the time we pulled back, the other passengers had grabbed their bags and were gone. I guess...we had lost all concept of time, her lone suitcase the only item remaining on the conveyor.

"H...hi..." I stammered out, serching her hazel eyes, noticing the blush upon her face.

"Vince..." she whispered back, her eyes locked with mine. "I love you..."

Here she was. She knew everything about me but only looked into my eyes. She didn't look at me like most people do... She wasn't staring at me because I was some sort of novel freak to her...she was just looking into me because, for some reason, she loves me.

"God only knows how much I love you, too..." I said back, almost feeling tears in my eyes. So much for being a man.

She offered me a smile at that, her blush noticably darkening. Her eyes momentarily turned over to where her suitcase waited and I took the signal, letting my arms fall from around her, but taking up her hand, bringing her along.

With her belongings in my possession, I led her from the small terminal and out into the cool, coastal night air. The free parking for the airport isn't terribly far and we walked toward my Expedition, sitting amidst the sea of smaller imports.

The night was clear and the moon was out. I'm not sure if it was full, but it was close. I didn't really care. I made the entire walk to the car almost walking sideways, intent on not taking my eyes off of her, for fear, somehow, that she would vanish. I asked how her trip had been, and she told me that it had been uneventful. For that, I was glad. Travelling always makes me nervous, although I know it doesn't have the same affect on all people.

Once at the car, I hit the lock release on the remote and opened up the back, tossing her suitcase in behind the back seat. I went over to the passenger side and opened her door, helping her in before going around to my side of the car and stepping up into the driver's seat. I instinctively locked the doors and slipped the keys into the ignition, but before I started the car, she reached over and grabbed my right hand, pulling it to her.

"Vince..." she said, her face serious and yet smiling.

I looked at her, awaiting her continuation, but she undid her seatbelt and leaned over the center console of the truck, once more offering me a kiss.

Cori...you were right. She didn't give me a chance to make it out of the parking lot before things got...interesting.

With the parking lot abandoned due to the hour and the windows of the Expedition tinted anyway, the feeling within it in the center seat is fairly secure. Either that or we simply didn't care. Six of one...

In any event, one thing lead to another. It is here that I will make my public admital to my particular situation for those who haven't caught on thus far. While most closely a male, (I do have a rudimentry prostate in my body), my external phyique at birth was neither clearly defined as male or female and, as was the trend back in that time, I was simply surgically made to appear female. Later in life, and knowing what was wrong with me as my brain always insisted that I was a male, I sought surgical augmentation to make me externally male once more. However, what they were able to give me, while suitable for...relations... has never been capable of feeling. Leaving me without the ability to have...resolution to my desires, except for when I have a dream about a physical encounter... Then, without a need for physical stimulus, I can actually...well...climax. Now that I've grossed out half of the audience who were just hoping for simple sex, I'll continue.

Relieved of most of what we had been wearing, I pressed down upon her, looking into her burning eyes, giving into the moment. I didn't think much of it, just loving her reaction and watching her. That's what sex always amounted to for me. Watching my partner, taking whatever comfort in any reactions they had to what I did since I couldn't feel...

After that initial drive in...I withdrew slowly and almost completely, hesitating a moment before moving again.

As I did so, the coolness of the interior of the car... I can't imagine what my expression may have been at that moment, but...

I felt that it was cold. I HONESTLY could FEEL the air cooling me!

With that, I thrust in again, now realizing that I could again feel. This time, noticing the sudden heat that enveloped me. Now, I'm not saying that I felt everything. I didn't. There was no sensation of pressure or friction, just temperature.

But that was one more thing than I have ever felt with that part of my anatomy since its reconstruction some years ago.

Looking up at me, she instantly donned an expression of concern, placing a hand against my face. "Vince? Are you okay?"

Again, I'm sure I looked...confused or perhaps elated. "Steph...I...I can feel...your...warmth..."

She gazed back, well aware that I had never experienced anything like this. "Are you...serious?"

I'm not going to lie at this moment. I will confess that tears literally came to my eyes. Somehow, despite all the time that had passed since my surgery, something had still managed to...connect in some way. For the first time in my life, I was feeling an actual sensation from my union with another in this way. I met her mouth with mine and began to move slowly, continually retreating fully before invading again, so that I could enjoy this ability to tell the difference between uniting and parting with her. Somehow I feared it was a fluke and not something that I would ever feel again.

She purred in satisfaction beneath me, her hands tracing my back, then gripping my hips to instruct me in her preference in force and rate.

The sky to the East was starting to brighten when she finally screamed out to me in her satisfaction. I moved away slowly and again, let the air chill my skin, unsure if this was going to be something that would happen again or not.

We dressed and made the drive back to my apartment in relative silence. She held my hand, gazing at me during the drive. We didn't need words. Words have been all we've had since we met. Now, we were together and could just enjoy the simple presence of one another without being engulfed in constant information exchange.

We already know everything of one another.

With my first encounter with Stephanie being the first in which I have EVER felt anything like I did, I almost feel like it was my first time. Maybe...maybe I wasn't meant to feel anything with anyone else. I'm almost glad, now, that I never felt anything physically before. I was...saved for someone who I love, and who loves me.

I am glad to report that it wasn't a fluke, either. I can truely sense warmth versus cold now. I'm overwhelmed. Stephanie...

CLEAN

2006-05-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

So, Vinny...what's up?

I'm free...clean...completely rid of what was once...dragging me down. Yes, the shebitch that was once the bane of my existance has been completely removed from my life in all her various forms. Hell, I even deleted her phone number from my cell today.

THAT felt GOOD.

Things with Stephanie? Still good. Still very good. VERY good.

This update is primarily for Cori's benefit since again, she's the only one that reads this drivel.

Mmmmmhhhmmmm.....

Where's Vince?

2006-05-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have noticed, all right, the one person that reads this has, anyway, that I'm not around much these days. The reason? I have a real life more or less now. Yes, I do.

Name? Stephanie. *snerk*

Sooooo..... I'm doing well...better than before. Hauled myself out of my angst by the proverbial bootstraps and moved on with things. Then I met Stephanie. That has kept me occupied.

The funny thing is? The one that abandoned me before now complains that I'm not avalible to her. She ditched me for weeks, nay, months on end and I was supposed to wait idley by. When I decided not to do so anymore, though, the tables are turned. Suddenly, she is 'available' to talk to me and what not. Leaves me messages again, comments, all that good stuff.

But the thing is.... I just don't care anymore.

And sorry for mispelling availible. I can't get that word right to save my life so I don't even try these days.

Oh, I Have A Blog...That's Right...

2006-04-18T23:07:00.000-07:00

*Ahem* Seems I completely forgot about this. Go figure. Reason being?

A female.

Yes, that's right, I've somehow managed to grab the attention of a female. She seems...remarakbly normal...stable...affectionate...

Am I happy with this? You could say that. In fact, there are those that have seemingly noticed that I've not been around moping. I've been....busy with the lady.

So...that's the news in my life. Am I going for surgery next month? I don't know. Perhaps, perhaps not.

In any event, things are looking...up.

And So It Was Made Clear

2006-04-01T09:28:00.000-08:00

There was a blog post by the 'girlfriend'. It droned on and on about how happy she is these days now that she's working. Good for her, but...I can't help but think that throughout that blog that she was really saying, "I'm happier than I've ever been, and in fact, things are so great, that I don't fucking care that I've ditched Vincent for weeks now! Yay me!"

I had the 'nerve' to post after that blog that I couldn't even describe how I was feeling after reading it.

That earned me a snarky clip back from her that she thinks I'm a huge fucker for being mad that she's happy now.

Uh, no, bitch, I'm unhappy because you've made it clear that you are happy and not having anything to do with me. I've been brushed off, forgotten. I couldn't be a part of her life while she was 'happy', no, God forbid. I was part of the problem.

I tried to say something in response to that, but A) I wasn't logged onto MySpace on my account (heads will roll for others not logging out) and B)She's telling me to fuck off in her own cowardice, underhanded way.

Dually noted. Sorry I ever fucking cared and that I dared to be unwell with being abandoned. I should have sat around, happily awaiting the day when you would return. How dare I dislike being ignored. How dare I like seeing bitch slap after bitch slap against me when you always have time to take fucking quizzes and surveys on MySpace, but never have the 'time' to message me. How dare I dislike seeing little barbs in those quizzes like this:

Top 5 Things you can't live without:
Internet
Nine (her girlfriend)
Her car
Friends
Xanax.

Wow, thanks, Ris. Good to know I rank below an automobile and your unprescribed drugs that you've put yourself on. For that matter, what a bitch YOU are for not even putting your poor husband on that list. I mean, I guess it's one thing for your little side fuck to not make the grade, but if I were James... Well, obviously, I'm not James.

I was up all night last night. I managed a few hours of sleep starting around five A.M., but only by virtue of the fact that I hit the Darvocet again. No worries, I tailored down my dose, but I HAD to sleep.

I had to.

How Very...Brave

2006-03-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

So, today I spoke to Cori on the phone for a while. I've never spoken with her before like that, although we've messaged each other online now for a while. Well, she didn't instantly just laugh at my voice or the fact that I giggle like a damn school girl when I'm nervous. I still have a cold, too. Yeah, THAT helps. For the record, I DO giggle like a school girl. Maybe next time she calls, I'll give her a good laugh and let her hear my old voice, which I can still do remarkably well. You know, that annoying, high pitched stereotypical Japanese chick one. Har har.

Here We Go

2006-03-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I will be leaving soon for my evaluation in Chicago. I'll be back by Thursday. I'm taking my computer, but at the risk of the hotel I'm staying at not having internet access, I bid you all bye for now!

Hm....

2006-03-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

Alright, I seem to be alienating people left and right lately. Way to go, me. I know in the realm of relationships, I don't make good choices. Hell, I'll outright admit that I make crappy ones but, it's better than being alone as far as I'm concerned and if it doesn't honestly impact the lives of others I know, well, I guess it bothers me that no one EVER lets me forget that they DON'T approve. Not that any of the opposing parties are interested, no, they aren't so that's not the issue, I know it's just that they are my friends and...and they feel the need to constantly let me know that they DON'T approve. *sigh*

Look, guys, I get it, all right? It's been noted, I understand but...it will end when I want it to. End of story. Let it fucking go already. If I get hurt, then you can laugh at me, give me that "I told you so" routine, but until then either...well, just let it go. Let's agree not to talk about it if it upsets any of you.

Anyway, let's see if I can come up with something remotely interesting here... Everything I've put in the piece of crap has been all angsty like that. I really do have a fun side. Believe it or not, it's true. Maybe I'll start writing some sort of story for this blog deal. Yes, I think I'll do that. Let me go think about it...see if I can come up with something worth while.

2006-03-02T11:58:00.000-08:00

Thank you, that is all. WTF???

So...How's It Going?

2006-03-01T21:56:00.000-08:00

According to my site meter here, there's still no one looking at this. It's all as well, though since A) I don't ever write anything interesting and B) It's becoming just a dumping ground for all my crap. Yeah, I've got problems, but we've all got problems. I guess I should grow up and quit making a show of them because who wants to deal with more garbage on a daily basis?

Really, when you get down to it, how many of us are actually "innocent" victims of what befalls us? Honestly, 99.9% of the time, were have absolutely NO ONE to blame for what we've gotten ourselves into but...ourselves. We go into very few things blinded but when the proverbial shit hits the fan-- we always look for someone or something to assign the blame to. I love how people do that, never sacking up and taking responsibility for their own station in life or their unwillingness to actually get up off their ass and do something about it.

Well, that crap, my friends, has got to end. I'm going to Chicago in two weeks. Time to either fix it or forget it. After that, I might just go ahead and take that job in Japan.

RP'ing a Relationship With Fictional Characters > My Feelings = Heartsick

2006-02-26T21:41:00.000-08:00

And that's how it is and I have to accept it. I see where priorities lie. That's the way it is and I will never bring it up again.

In The Simple Pursuit Of Sleep

2006-02-26T18:48:00.000-08:00

Friday night...I demonstrated my inability to think at all.

I've not been able to sleep. There seems to be a state of insomnia in this house to which I have succumbed. From Monday night forward, I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't shut off and give me a break.

I tried all of the old standbys-- Benadryl, Nyquil, other OTC sleep aides and nothing came close to putting me out. Finally, come Friday night, I was absolutely desperate. I remembered that I still had a few pills of a pain medication that I was given a few years ago following a surgery I underwent. This pills had not only deadened the pain for me then, but they had also put me right to sleep.

At a loss for what else to do, I took the prescribed dose of them-- two pills.

I fell into a profoundly relaxed state. So relaxed, in fact, that I quit breathing. The first few times, I was aware that I'd stopped, only to gasp and start again, but as the medication really took hold...

The problem was that I've lost a fourth of the body weight that I had when they were prescribed to me all those years back. Meaning that I had overdosed myself unintentionally.

I did sleep-- for 12 hours, in fact. When I was capable of moving without falling again, I was fine but I'd had a good enough scare the night before.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I'm doing to myself, and I don't know what I'm doing to anyone else. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone even really cares. I've been alone again a lot lately. Avoided, I think, perhaps not, but it seems strange to me how everyone sort of vanished all at once.

Sipesh

2006-02-25T21:07:00.000-08:00

She's been through the wringer this week. I've just been here, that's all I can really do, as all of the BS surrounding her is out of my control. Still, it's hard to watch someone who amounts to my family go through things like this at the hands of others. Others who don't care and tear her apart, although she cares back and is therein subjected to their crap.

Come to think of it...fuck people. There, I said it for her.

Withdrawing?

2006-02-22T13:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I get really down about things, I tend to retreat into myself a bit. I generally do this to spare others around me having to deal with my crappy issues-- no one wants to hear a constant complainer.

I don't do this as any means of personal slight to anyone, it's just that when I'm feeling like this, what little social drive I have tends to wane a bit. I don't have much to spare in the first place. The social graces of a rock or seasponge, it has been said.

Everyone deals with garbage in their lives differently. Some do as I do and hide, some become more social, seeking distraction (Pari). Others fly into that sort of self destructive manic activity (Dustin) and still others just get angry (Kristen).

I find that interesting. After all, we are the same animal but react differently. Most creatures you can predict based upon their species but people...God, we're all insane.

What To Write...

2006-02-19T10:51:00.000-08:00

Well, I suppose I haven't put anything here in a while so... I felt that I should. Not that anyone reads this, mind you but still-- I guess I see this thing as some sort of responsibility. Maybe along the lines of one of those electronic pets, you know the ones-- they "die" if neglected for too long.

So, here I am to feed it. I'm having a hard time thinking of anything worth writing about in my life at the moment... Things have been bland. Very bland. Wake up, sit around, go to work on occasion, come back, sleep either on the couch here or rarely, in the bed in my apartment.

I had bronchitis that was the result of a cold that kicked my butt and refused to let go. I'm now on antibiotics and am finally clearing up, although I'm still coughing plenty. I find that annoying. In fact, it woke me up at about three in the morning last night and I wasn't able to pass back into sleep until around six thirty.

Anyway, if anything else good happens today I'll write about it but I think it's going to be another normal day.

Bland.

Anyone?

2006-02-11T19:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I can see from my site meter that like...two people have looked at this! YAY!
That makes it the most visible place in my world to say, "Hey, anybody interested? ANYONE?"
I've been offered a job very far away. Japan, actually. To go or not to go...
I'm not really eager to ever go back there. It's nicer where I'm at but-- there is something to be said for new starts and such.
I have no idea what to do anymore. Maybe there's something right in front of me that I can't see for whatever reason. Maybe there isn't. If there was, I'd be too oblivious to see it. That, I am sure of.

Just Because She's Big, Don't Mean She Ain't Fast

2006-02-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

The moment I saw that damn "Raider Nation" sticker on the back of the car, I should have known.

I was driving early this morning down an open stretch of highway between towns, cruising down the slow lane at the speed limit, which for the record is sixty-five. Up ahead of me, I spot some crappy early 90's Honda Accord, probably doing about fifty.

Not wishing to have to turn off my cruise control, I ease over into the fast lane as to simply pass him. "Homes" as we shall simply call him, I will not stereotype him any further than to say he had a stupid "Raiders" sticker on his back window, suddenly seems compelled to speed up when I get even with him.

I look over, seeing that "Homes" has added every lousey after market addition to his piece of crap car but...I had a suspicion that he probably had never invested into ricing her out beneath the hood. Since he was unwilling to let me pass him, keeping right at my side, I opted to put this theory to the test. I begin to speed up and unlike "Homes", most of the mods that I've made on Ye Olde Expedition ARE under the hood.

I speed up a bit to see what he would do, and he seems to think that surely there is no way that a big bertha like I drive could EVER get in front of him if he didn't see it fit.

He was quickly proven wrong. His car was floored at 75, my gas pedal was only down about an inch. Ah, time to unleash my beast's power. I easily drift on pass him, offering him a snide smile and a wave before he vanished into my wake.

That whole don't judge a book by it's cover schpeal came to mind. "Homes" thought there was no way a ship like mine could best his "oh so cool, trendy, riced out, gangster mobile". Never underestimate the power of the dark side. And, you can't polish a turd, "Homes".

Yeah, I ripped out the govenor chip that came installed from the factory to keep us irresponsible types from doing our own time trials. For the record, I have no honest idea how fast my Expedition will go. I got her up to 125 once, but then backed off, not honestly wishing to die and well aware that brakes become little more than a joke after about 100. That's miles per hour, not kilometers. Make not that mistake.

I'm looking at you both, "Homes" and Iceland.

Super Bowl XL

2006-02-05T19:15:00.000-08:00

STEELERS WON IT!
That is all.

The Apocalypse

2006-02-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

And yea, did I see it come. The four horsemen-- Death, War, Famine, and the Anti-Christ...
Oh, wait, my mistake. It's the Puppy Bowl.
What...the...fuck?
Okay, granted NO ONE is watching Animal Planet today but honestly, Puppy Bowl??? It's bad enough that they did it last year, but...again? Did they just consult the top exec's four year old daughter about the programming line up for the day?
Better yet, this year it features a half time show of...kittens.
Wow...I can feel my IQ dropping by the minute.

Love And Things

2006-02-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

Love...

Cliche... so damn much about it anymore is just that. You fall in love, you get your heart torn out. Time goes on, you feel ill, don't eat, don't sleep, and then it begins to fade (the pain, that is). After a while, you do it again most likely to be hurt or angered again, but if you're lucky--

If you're lucky, you don't have to play that game anymore. You don't have to be hurt again. Things can be wonderful.

Sometimes, though, we fall in love with someone we can never really have or that we in some way lose. The pain torments us, haunts us. We find ourselves thinking about them constantly, or at least daily. This can go on for years. Other lovers can come into our lives and then go again, all the while this one person stays in our mind or our heart. We wonder if that one person that we're hung up on is the one that should have been, the one that would have made us whole. We long for what we can never have.

We think that we will never get over them.

I used to feel that way and ache over it. Then one day, I got to thinking about it and came to realize that most people have such a person in their past. Everyone I talked to had a Joseph, Mike, Samantha, someone stuck in their mind. Then I came to a sort of...epiphany.

Maybe that person in your heart isn't meant to torture you, but perhaps they are instead a sort of lithmus test, if you will. Maybe that's how you know when you really have found THE one. THE one will make that hurt go away. THE one will...will help you come to realize that the person that for so long you held in your heart without fault was no more than any other human and just as fallible. THE person will eclipse this old love.

The only reason I came to this conclusion is by watching it happen. I've seen, one by one, my friends finally be freed of their old longing when they found a mate that fit that gap in their lives.

So maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't rue that pain or person we carry with us seemingly forever. It might be that we need them so that one day, when we are with our true love, someone can ask, "Hey, do you know whatever happened to so and so?" and instead of suddenly feeling down and regretful, we can just shrug and honestly say, "I don't know, I haven't thought about him/her in forever."

Iceland...The Source Of Insanity?

2006-02-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm really not, but I do have an honest question.

Is everyone in Iceland completely insane?

I mean, we have few spokes people for the country around to confirm or refute this claim, one being Bjork. I need not go further. See here if you are in need of evidence.

Other than the squealing banshee aforementioned, I have only one other small porthole into the world that is Iceland. That is a children's show called "Lazy Town".

First off, there are puppets, which is frightening enough, but they are mixed with people and not in a normal manner. The humans all on this show have weird things about them. There is a girl with neon pink hair and glittery eyelash extensions. Then, there is a bad guy, I think his name is Robby or some such, who is made into some rather grotesque mockery of a human being thanks to the makeup and latex prosetheic work they've done on him. He is the thing that nightmares are made of. There is another human character, Sporticus, (okay, yeah, I do know his name for sure), who they haven't made into a complete freak, but his heavy accent makes him almost impossible to understand. He is the hero of this "world" and flies a blimp because as we all know, the sign of a true hero is to fly a blimp. And, those two human males are wearing spandex. Thank God for dance belts or whatever they've done to hide their junk, but grown men just DON'T belong in spandex. Ever.

For the record, I don't watch this show for the sake of watching it. Rather, I watch it because it happens to be one of the things that my friend lets her children watch. Even though I've tried to ignore it, to not watch it, somehow, it has pulled me in.

Which brings me to another point. We all know about the sea of fanfiction out there on the net. That's all right and fine but quite by accident, I've stumbled upon fanfiction for this particular show.

And it ain't pretty.

The main gist of what I've seen involves the two human male characters being...involved. I'm really scared now. Terrified, in fact.

I know that there are thousands of people living in Iceland and I'd really like to know if these things honestly represent them or if it's just a case of the crazy wheel getting the oil? Perhaps it's the volcanic fumes, constant threat of ocean surges, or a bad fishing season all taking their toll upon the humble residents of said nation. I'd really like to know.

In any event, I've put up a link to this show's website, because yes, it has a website. I leave the decision of madness up to the viewer.

New Television

2006-02-02T11:20:00.000-08:00

All right, this really isn't my news, per se, it's my friend's, but nonetheless, since I spend most of my life on her couch, it does involve my immediate environment.

Tomorrow, her new fifty inch HDTV is arriving. The fact that it's getting here less than three days after it was ordered is miraculous and appreciated by her husband since there is, apparently, a Superbowl party going on here on Sunday. Not that she planned it by any means, but... others have invited themselves so, a party it is.

I'm mostly just excited, however, over the fact that I'll be able to hook this, my lowly laptop, up to it and experience the internet in a full fifty inches of glory. Mind you, this will only go on when the usual denizens of this house are not utilizing the television. I guess what I'm saying is that it won't be all that often, but... I will do it. Yes, I will.

And no, it's not going to just be to watch free internet porn. I'm not like that.

Really.

Who's The Expedition's Bitch, Now?

2006-02-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

There I was, finishing up on putting the new black projector lights on my Expedition. It hadn't been easy-- although the old headlights slipped right out, the new ones seemed to have some intention of not being installed. I coaxed, I begged, I broke down and started hitting like mad. Eventually, after I'd run out of explitives (many recycled in the process) they both slid into place. Score one for me, Expedition, zero...

I also got a new billet aluminium grill but...I'm not going to be installing that myself. To do so would involve cutting with my particular model and I'm not able to stomach the notion of doing cosmetic surgery on my vehicle. It looks as though a body shop will get to make a little change off of me by putting it in when I get around to it.

All right, me one, Expedition one.

Deciding that my work was done for the day, I began to reinstall the plastic cover back over the front of the engine compartment. I hear this slight popping sound every few seconds, but equate it to the engine cooling off as I'd driven it earlier.

That's not what it was, though. As those of you with Expeditions know, they have hydrolic hinges on the hood that will hold it up. There is also a prop bar that you can use, but for the purpose of what I had been doing, it would have been obtrusive.

Pop...pop...pop...

Three more screws to install. It's the engine cooling, Vincent-- nothing to worry about.

And then it happens. The rams lose their umph for holding up the hood and it doesn't just start to drift down, but rather comes down with some seeming desperation to behead me because yes, I'm still leaning over the engine compartment.

Face, meet grill edge.

Reflexively, I pushed the hood up off of my head but I'm not going to lie, I literally saw stars for a few moments before realizing not only had I suffered head trauma, but a nice puncture on my bottom lip from my teeth being rammed into it. I'm going to be looking really good in a few more hours. It's not all that bad, and it certainly could have been worse...but still.

Me one, Expedition two. Damn it.

My Life On A Couch

2006-02-01T12:42:00.000-08:00

So, as mentioned in my description over there to the side, I'm thirty years old. There's more to me than that, though. I'm a male (or reasonable fascimilie thereof), of mixed Asian and Caucasian ancestory. I lived in Japan until I was six years of age when my father died, and then my mother moved us to the States. Here I have remained.
I have an apartment and a roommate, but I'm never there. Instead, I spend all of my time either on my best friend's couch (my usual sleeping place) messing around with my computer or occasionally, I go to work. Security guard-- quite glamorous.
I'm single-- perhaps it's just the masochist in me subconsciously sabotaging my life...
But, that's all right. I've got my health, a few friends, and all the things I need to live in physical comfort. It could be a lot worse.
The biggest issue on my mind at present is potentially going to Chicago to see a particular surgeon. I'll spare the gross details, but I'm in need of some reconstructive work (Not on my face, thankfully. I've heard I look fine.) but it's nothing that I can't absolutely live without.
Now, I'm coming off as painfully vague. I have that problem. I try to say things without actually saying anything at all. So, as soon as something blogworthy happens in my life, I'll share it. It's funny how much can happen on a damn couch.

So, What's The Point?

2006-02-01T12:38:00.000-08:00

Here I go, trying out one of these blog things. If nothing else, I vow never to post anything with those annoying and juvenile abreviations, nor will I ever do that L33T crap. I took the time to learn the English language and I think it's only fair that I not bastardize it (aside from my horrid spelling) with that manner of thing. So, if you want to read something honestly written in conventional English, I guess I'm your man.